


Something Changed

by yamaneko19xx



Series: Losing control [1]
Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alcohol, Canon Disabled Character, Falling In Love, Kaz's pov, M/M, POV First Person, Sex, ocelhira, self indulgent fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 11:58:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6752992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamaneko19xx/pseuds/yamaneko19xx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Just so you know Miller, kissing is what couples do.” </p><p>“You’re right, and we are nothing.” </p><p>Kaz's point of view on his relationship with Ocelot. Some misunderstandings, back and forths, sex and something that changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Changed

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back (kind of)!!  
> Work is killing my imagination and it's becoming stressful, that's the reason I couldn't write. This is something I started writing while I was in Japan and I could let my imagination fly... Now that I'm back at my everyday life I tried to finish it, even if I only type in a few words per day.
> 
> I'll be working on continuing Play My Game too! stay tuned :)
> 
> Special thanks to my friends who are always cheering on me to continue writing!
> 
> To read Ocelot's side of the story, go to [You don't know what you have until you lose it](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6969703/chapters/15887971)

Something changed.

 

It happened during one of Mother base’s monthly parties. That’s when I realized there was no turning back from him.

Diamond Dogs didn’t celebrate anything, there was no time to slack off and have a party. Not when we were still fighting our war against Cipher. Even after Skull Face’s death we couldn’t allow ourselves to celebrate it as a victory, and the staff morale was dropping.

At first I was reluctant to the idea of allowing Diamond Dogs to throw monthly parties just like in MSF times, but after all we’ve been through I decided to agree with Snake’s proposal. Still, I had the feeling that certain someone may had influenced Snake into going forward with the idea.

When the discussion about the parties was over and Snake left, I was left alone with him. I had been avoiding these kind of situations, I didn’t want us to be alone 

I was not surprised to see Ocelot’s grin once the door closed. He raised from his seat and walked towards me.

“I’ve heard from old MSF staff a lot of stories about your ‘unprofessional behavior’, Miller.” He stopped and stood in front of my chair. “And I had the pleasure of witnessing it too. Do you remember? how you used to come to me.” There was a hint of nostalgia in his husky voice, he was clearly suggesting something. 

“That was a long time ago, sorry to disappoint you.” I said while leaning my back on the chair. There was no way I’d give in to his charm, even if I….

“Too bad, I wanted to see you coming undone for me again.” He touched my right arm, or what was left of it and massaged it.

I didn’t want to fall for him again… Even if I was dying to… his touch sent a shiver down my spine and I felt my dick trying to wake up at his closeness to my body.

Just when I was about to give in to his touch, Ocelot removed his hand and smirked at me before leaving.

 

It wasn’t as if he didn’t know me. We spent the last 9 years working together and it was inevitable, things between us happened. Things which I regretted at first, like falling for the silver haired man more than once, letting him seduce me and take me to bed. Then again, I think I still regret it.

Now that I have Snake back with me, why couldn’t I stop thinking about Ocelot?

There had been a mutual agreement between us. We would just fool around and have sex just because we were lonely and missed the same man. Though our relationship was caused by Big Boss, his name never came out from our mouths when we were having sex, and I dared to say that I felt Ocelot was taking control over my body and mind as if he wanted to claim me as his.

There was a time when we started calling each other by our names… even when we were not in bed. But shortly after that, Big Boss awoke.

Of course, we stopped our encounters. It was for the best, for our mission’s sake as we both focused on bringing Big Boss back to life fully restored. There was no time to be involved in an intimate relationship.

Not now, that the object of his desires was alive again.

Maybe his love for Big Boss revived as well. I always knew he was in love with him and that I was only a distraction. I hated to admit it but it was painful to know that he loved someone else. No way he would prefer me over him, after all I wasn’t the Legendary Soldier. I didn’t even have all my limbs, I gave them away for Big Boss, the man I followed like a blind dog and would give anything for him, at least that was what I thought. And here I am, I would also give everything for the man I thought I hated...

However, Snake seemed oblivious to his feelings and he was actually more interested in me than in him. Truth is, Big Boss and I had been involved in a relationship in the past but so far I haven’t done anything to resume it. My head was a mess and I became a little jealous because I knew Ocelot’s feelings for him. That was the reason why I began to keep my distance and avoid him when possible. I was jealous of Big Boss. Deep inside me I wished Ocelot would come back to me but I didn’t want to admit what I felt for him and that I didn’t want to see him with anyone but me. This is why I tend to focus on work and try to forget about everything else, so I don’t have to pine for him...

 

The day of the party arrived and everyone was looking forward to it so almost all the staff assisted. Snake and I organized a schedule for guard posts and different shifts so whoever wanted to, could go to the party as long as the guard posts were covered.

I had too much to drink, but not enough to lose consciousness. The problem with this state of mind is that I have no filter and I speak the truth.

At that time I think I was the one who seduced him first. I threw myself at his arms and I kissed him. I thought I remembered telling him “I want you” and then dreaming that we had sex. 

The next thing I remembered was waking up in his bed in the morning, naked. It was a relief that I was alone since the whole situation must have been awkward. We were used to each other’s bodies, but we hadn’t had sex since Snake woke up from his coma.

I wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t a little drunk. Would I had seduced him or let myself be seduced by him again? Just like the years we spent together when Snake wasn’t around…

I blamed that encounter on the alcohol so I decided to keep my distance between us, even if his sole presence made my skin shiver, and even if he got close to me and made feel aroused. I hated him for that, how could someone who wasn’t Snake had so much control over me?

 

The next party was no different. 

But that night, the barrier I had imposed between us disappeared. I couldn’t stop staring at him, even when talking to Snake.

I felt his icy cold eyes drawing me to him as if I were his prey. He was talking to some of the recruits but he kept on smirking at me, did he notice the way I was looking at him?

I knew what that look on his face meant.

“Kaz, are you listening?” Snake touched my shoulder and I flinched.  “Who are you looking at?” He asked me directly, grinning.

He knew me too well.

I had to make an excuse, now that I think about it, it was something I said more to myself than to him.

“Oh sorry, I was checking that the recruits didn’t do something funny, they seem to be drunk.” I put my best serious face and tried to sound angry.

“Ocelot’s that way.” Snake said casually while puffing his phantom cigar.

“I wasn’t looking at him.” I said almost too loud, too fucking obvious.

Snake looked at me and twitched his mouth in a smile, he was trying not to but he did. “I didn’t say you were staring at him, I just meant that he’s keeping an eye on the staff as well.”

Now that Ocelot was the subject of our conversation, I wanted to know Snake’s opinion on what kept me busy for the past weeks. Did Ocelot really like Snake?

“You know, maybe I am looking at him. Do you think he’s interested in you? He’s looking at us.”

I said while I drank what was left on my glass.

“He’s looking at you and. It doesn’t surprise me, I know it, we’ve known each other for many-”

I placed my again full glass of alcohol on the table hard. “That’s not what I meant. You do know how devoted he is to you, and I think he’s expecting something else from you.” 

“Like what?” 

“Like…” I couldn’t continue talking. I felt a knot in my throat which didn’t even let me say it. What if I told Snake and I helped him get Ocelot? But why was I feeling so possessive over Ocelot? 

“Wait a minute Kaz, are you jealous?”

I don’t remember if I answered that, I just wanted to get away from this shitty talk which would eventually force me to admit my feelings.

It wasn’t like the monthly parties we used to have at MSF. Back then everything seemed so joyful and, in some way, naive. I was always the center of the attention, trying to catch Snake’s eye by doing stupid things I didn’t even remember. Like that time when I pulled my pants down and everyone could see my ass. Snake wasn’t happy about it and dragged me out of the noises and lights, into the shadows of his room.

But Snake changed.

And I changed.

I thought I could tolerate alcohol but maybe the lack of my right arm made me weaker and soon I was feeling the floor was spinning around me. I tried to stand up but I tripped.

Strong arms caught me. He grabbed my waist with his prosthetic hand and with his flesh hand he grabbed my face and kissed me.

I put my arm around his neck and kissed him back. I needed this, to feel loved, to forget about him.

 

“Sorry to interrupt Boss.” Ocelot’s voice was louder than usual, with a hint of discomfort. We separated and Snake blushed while Ocelot sighed and continued. “The men want you to participate in a toast.”

“Alright... Are you coming?” He took my hand. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t mind Ocelot’s presence, even after I told him how he felt about him. Maybe he was nervous and wanted to get away from this.

I shaked off his hand and I grabbed my crutch. “No, you go. The men want you to be with them. It’s your chance to get to know them better. I’m going to sleep.”

“I’ll walk with you Miller.” 

I was somehow expecting Ocelot to rescue me. Snake didn’t look so pleased but left reluctantly.

And here I was, alone with him again.

“I can walk by myself. I don’t need you.”

Why did my head said one thing but my stupid heart wanted another? I was jeopardising myself, but I didn’t know if I wanted my heart or my head to win.

Ocelot grabbed my waist and made me walk away from the lights and noises of the party. He didn’t care that I was trying to get away from him by pushing him and complaining.

“Are you mad that I interrupted you?” He finally asked once I gave up and let him walk me.

I sighed and closed my eyes. “Maybe.”

 

Maybe because I was trying to forget you.

 

“I can fix that.”

He pinned me to the wall and bit my neck slowly but strong. So strong that he made me bleed and I think he even sucked my blood. Was this my punishment for having kissed Snake? I knew he wanted to hear me growl and that’s what I did. A little too husky, too horny.

I didn’t want to, but my body betrayed me and I was aroused just by feeling his perfume and his body closer to me. Our faces got close and we almost kissed.

Almost.

“No kisses, this is just sex.” He said smirking. Too cold.

I was surprised at his words, we had always kissed. It was one of the things I most enjoyed about him. But I said nothing, how could I? As if I wanted to have something more than just sex with him. I must be crazy.

“Don’t worry. I don’t like you either.” I shot at him a glance like I didn’t really care about him.

“I know. So you can just close your eyes and think I’m him.”

He still thinks I’m in love with Snake, is he mad because he saw us kissing?

“And who will you be thinking about?” I said with a mocking smile. I wondered if he really wanted to fuck Big Boss or to be fucked by him.

“Hn, that’s none of your business. Now turn around, I know you’ve been waiting for this.” I think I saw a slight blush on his pale face, but that must be my mind playing tricks.

I obeyed and I closed my eyes. But I was thinking about him and not Big Boss, and for a moment I tried to imagine Ocelot was actually thinking about me. I felt him licking my neck while he lowered my pants and touched my ass in such a way that made my knees tremble.

He entered into me and I shivered. I missed this, him. He was breathing hard on my neck, biting and licking my skin. For a moment I thought that he’d leave me many marks that I’d have to hide, he rarely acted so obvious. We both knew that we couldn’t leave any visible marks on our bodies, we had to keep up with appearances and it was not professional for the staff to see either the Diamond Dogs Commander or the Instructor-Interrogator-whatever Ocelot was doing at that moment, with love marks.

But a part of me loved that he wanted to mark me as his own.

He grabbed my body like he didn’t want to let me go, touching me with his bare hands. I didn’t remember when he took his gloves off but his hands were like fire on my skin.

My mind went blank for some minutes while I let myself go, until I remembered his last words. ‘ _This is just sex_ ’.

Who does he think I am?

“… Don’t… Don’t come inside me.” I wouldn't let him have me so easily… I couldn’t let him possess me, even if my neck was still aching for his bites and wanting more, and I was dying to feel him coming inside me… but not like this.

 Definitely not like this.

“What if I do?” He challenged me and we struggled until I managed to push him away from me.

“Only my partner can do that.” I replied while I leaned my back on the wall and looked at him, trying to pull my pants up.

That must had been a surprise for him. 

“You never seemed to mind that before.” He said a little annoyed while leaning his two hands on the wall, trapping me.

You never seemed to mind me kissing you.

“Well, I do now.” I was rejecting him, I knew it. But it was better to cut this quickly.

He looked at me trying to find a reason for my sudden behavior and I frowned.

“Is it because of what I said earlier?” His tone of voice was serious.

I wouldn’t let him see me weak, I had to get out of here so I grabbed my crutch which was leaning on the wall. 

“Move.” I said with a bitter tone, the one I use when giving orders to recruits.

He didn’t say anything but I could tell he was upset.

“Just so you know Miller, kissing is what couples do.” He said while he fixed his clothes, not bothering that he was still hard. This encounter obviously ended.

“You’re right, and we are nothing.” I hurt him because I was hurt. He was everything to me and instead, to him I was someone he could fuck whenever he wanted. I couldn't have that any longer. He was already breaking my heart.

 

We were nothing.

 

I needed to get away from him, but just when I was about to leave, he left first.

Had I made him upset? He had it coming, but…

I felt empty.

 

* * *

The next couple of days, we only talked about business and nothing else. I got more upset and mad, it was becoming harder and harder to pretend that nothing happened. Everyone noticed that I was crankier and angrier than usual and they either assumed that I had a fight with Ocelot, was I so obvious? Or did they see the marks on my neck? I tried so hard to hide them…  Or they also thought that I was going mad seeking revenge against Cipher. I wished that was the only reason… Since when did I let myself be defeated by my feelings? 

I needed to take some fresh air so I went outside to watch the sea. It was late at night, I loved this hour because I could take my glasses off and watch the stars without the light bothering me. 

I didn’t hear his footsteps walking close to me, but of course, there were two people who could approach me that way.   

“Hey Boss.” I smiled at him. No matter how angry, sad or tired I was, he always made me smile. I wished I could love him just as I love him… 

“How’s everything going?” He asked while he stood next to me and lighted a cigar.

“I’m fine.” We both knew that was a lie but he respected my comment and understood I didn’t want to talk about myself.

We stood there watching the stars and without realizing it I was leaning on his body, with my head on his shoulder. He put the cigar away and caressed my hair. 

“Do you remember what we had before I…” His voice was low, I knew where he was getting at.

“We’ve really been through a lot, huh?” I tried to pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about.

“We used to have something else.”

I didn’t say anything to that. He was right.

“You don’t seem very excited about it. Something’s changed, I know it.” Snake put one hand around my back while his other was still on my hair.

I shouldn’t have let him kiss me.

“Snake, I… There’s someone else I like…”

“Oh... “

“I'm sorry... “

He didn’t move and continued to hold me. I wondered what went through his head at that moment.

“I knew you liked him, even if you wouldn’t tell me.” He sounded disappointed and it made me feel guilty.

“I’m still with you Boss. I’ll never leave you and… I’m sure he won’t leave you either.”

Of course we wouldn’t leave him. He was the reason we woke up every morning, the reason we spent 9 years working together, and the reason why me and him…

Snake separated from me and smiled, trying to look positive. 

“I’d better go and prepare for the next mission.” 

“Right. You leave at 0500. Try to get some rest, we’ll talk later.” I smiled back.

I felt like shit. Not only had I rejected Snake but also it was most probable that I’d end up alone.

The next days went by, Snake grew a little distant to me. That was understandable. As for Ocelot, he was not being his usual self. Something changed in him. 

I expected him to be mad at me. After all, our fight was like a silent declaration of war. I stopped him while we were having sex and didn’t let him come, that’s the worst someone can do to a man and I’m sure he didn’t like it at all.

Contrary to what I thought, he didn’t make so many remarks about me or about my job. Before, he would always be 70% in disagreement with all my decisions and would fight with me over who was right, but instead, he started to back me up. He even went to my room to help me with the daily tasks I still couldn’t do alone and his excuse was that “this is for your security. We can’t have some random staff assist you. I don’t trust them enough so I prefer to do it myself.”

 

Him helping me in the mornings before work or after work at night meant we ended up in bed more often.

The first time he caught me by surprise, I was still sleepy and I let him take my pajamas off. When I woke up he was already sucking my dick, no way I could stop him and he knew it. He didn’t let me cum, instead he fucked me, hitting my prostate hard and making me come without even touching myself. I was about to give in and let him come inside me but as soon as I came he removed himself from me and came over my stomach.

I let him take a shower with me, … he was so careful with me that it hurted, I wonder if he was faking it or what, since when did he treat me like his girlfriend?

I said nothing that time. 

But the next time we ended up having sex was different from the rest. It was already late at night and we spent all day locked in my office assisting Snake on a mission to rescue a key prisoner. After we made sure Snake was coming back home safely, I felt relieved but I felt all the tension from my body having an effect on me. 

He offered to give me a massage, and I let him come to my bed. Of course.

I was on all fours, with my back at him while he grabbed my waist to thrust deeper inside me. I had my eyes closed and tried to focus on the moment, and not on his words, he’d only hurt me more and would made me want to punch him.

“I want to see your face” He removed himself from me and waited. It was not a request, it was an order.

I turned my head to look at him puzzled, what did he want? I wasn’t wearing my aviators so technically he could see me, but I did as he wanted and I faced him. There was a strange look on his usually cold eyes.

He made me spread my legs and he entered me again, this time looking at my eyes as if he was expecting something else from me.

I growled and blushed, this was the position I most loved as I could see him, but that time I felt exposed and disarmed, fearing he would look into my eyes and find out the truth.

How could I let him see that he was my weakness? He was the only one I couldn’t stop thinking about.

I didn’t know why I did it but I grabbed the nape of his neck and I pulled him closer to me. Our lips brushed slightly. I know I’m too emotional sometimes and all I wanted was a kiss from him. I wasn’t expecting him to do it but I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what it would be like, to feel his lips again just like back then when we had each other and there was no wall, no Big Boss who could bring us apart.

I came back to reality when I felt his lips on mine, he was actually kissing me. I should have been more cautious but I couldn’t help it and opened my mouth to welcome his tongue inside.

He stopped moving inside me and broke the kiss. Had I screwed it up?

Then, I felt my face flushing as I watched him remove his shirt and lean his body over mine. I could feel his skin against mine. He kissed me again, this time I was surprised to feel he was tender and slower, romantic.

But this was only sex, right? No feelings involved, at least from his end. I had finally accepted that I felt something for him the moment I rejected Snake, but I knew that probably he didn’t feel anything for me. Still, that kiss and that look he gave me made me think something’s changed.

“… Come inside me..” I must have looked like a fool, but I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to feel I was his, even if it was only in my head. 

“Kaz..” He whispered my name on my ear while he did as I told him.

It made me remember the time when we deceived ourselves and believed we belonged to each other.

I felt I was already dreaming.

 

The next morning I woke up and opened my eyes slowly, I was expecting to be alone but he was sleeping next to me, his arm around my waist. The son of a bitch was possessive even in his sleep.

When my eyes got used to the dim rays of light entering through my window, I took my time to look at his face.

He looked so peaceful and I wondered if he still had a light sleep, just like when we used to sleep together. I got closer to him and he wrapped his arms around me as if I were a pillow. Was he really asleep? I wondered but I closed my eyes and gave into his embrace.

“Miller, wake up”

I opened my eyes again and I realized I had my arm wrapped around his right arm so I quickly released him.

“What time is it?” I said with a sleepy voice.

“I fell asleep last night. Sorry, I shouldn’t have stayed.” he said a little ashamed as he sat up on my bed grabbing his temple.

I couldn’t tell him straight that I was glad he stayed.

“It’s ok, I don’t mind. At least you don’t snore.” I tried to look like I didn’t care but I smiled at him like a fool. 

“Hn, you already know I don’t snore.” He said smirking but still he made no attempt to get up from the bed.

I wondered if he also had things that he kept inside himself, words that he’d like to tell me but decided not to.

Of course I knew he didn’t snore, in fact, I slept better when he was at my side. Would he feel the same way about me?

I couldn’t help it but be an egoist, I wanted to be the center of his universe.

I wanted us to stay longer.

And sometimes I wished we would be a normal couple who would stay until late in bed on a sunday morning. But we didn’t have that kind of life. 

We got dressed. Somehow he was being clumsy, this was so unusual from his always precise movements. Was he also ashamed?   

“Where are my glasses?” The light was bothering me and I was also feeling exposed.

He grabbed my chin and I looked up at him with my bare eyes. It was as if we couldn’t help it but get closer and closer. He kissed me while he pulled our bodies closer. I thought I could even feel his heartbeat.

I wrapped my arm around his back and gripped his shirt.

It was really late in the morning and for the first time in months, I didn’t care.

* * *

 

Something must had been different on my face because Snake noted that I was quite happy. Even the staff noticed it and I’m sure they wondered what happened with me. 

I did hear some rumors, such as “ _Ocelot could tame Commander Miller and gave him what he deserved, a good fuck.”_

I was used to the rumors of me and Ocelot having an affair, and frankly I was responsible for them. Everyone saw how I threw myself to him at the party, and then at the next one. For the first time, I took a deep breath and I didn’t care about it. The rumors actually made me laugh.

But just like every time Ocelot and I got closer, then we would spend days trying to ignore each other. I didn’t know about him but in my case, I tried to ignore the fact that something happened and that my feelings for him grew stronger with each encounter we had.

I sat at a table on the Mess Hall with Snake while I watched him pet DD.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him and where would he be now. My expression must have changed because Snake asked me what was going on.

“I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“You don’t look tired to me. Is… everything going well with him?” He could read right into me. For once I was relieved that I didn’t need to explain it to him directly, but I felt like a jerk. I knew Snake had feelings for me, and instead, he was asking me about Ocelot.

“Why are you asking me this?” I suddenly got mad. He was in love with me and yet, he had the balls to ask me about my relationship with another man.

“Because you’re my best friend.” Snake now focused his attention on me, even if DD was whining at his feet looking for attention too.

I growled in defeat but I decided to tell him. After all he was all I had, he was the only one I could trust. I wished I still loved Snake the way I loved him...

“I don’t know. I wonder if he…” I shut my mouth when I saw him walking to our table carrying two cups of coffee.

He got slightly surprised. Was he expecting to be alone with Snake and instead he found me with him? Or did he actually wanted to speak with me? I felt butterflies in my stomach, like a damn schoolboy. I silently cursed at myself and looked at the floor.

He cleared his throat and stood in front of us.

“Boss, I need to talk to you about that new training program I want to start for the new recruits.”

Snake stood up suddenly and DD followed him.

“We can talk about that later. I need to prepare some things for the next mission. Why don’t you discuss it with Kaz? Whatever he says I’m ok with it, alright?”

I grabbed his sleeve trying to stop him from leaving.

“Snake wait, you should be on this conversation too as this is-”

“Let Ocelot brief you about the training program. You’ll agree I know it. You make a good team, I leave it to you.”

 

Boss left us, he did it on purpose, of course. Even DD left.

Ocelot looked at me, he was still standing in front of me with the two coffees.

“What’s the matter, Commander? Are you afraid of being alone with me?” He quickly took control of the situation, as always.

“What are you saying? Why would I-”

I stopped talking as he sat next to me and handed me one coffee.

“No sugar no milk, right?” 

The coffee was for me after all.

“Thank you.” I took the coffee and our fingers touched. I shouldn’t be getting aroused just by this, I thought.

We remained in silence for a couple of minutes.

“Okay, tell me about this training program.” I said in a business-like manner. I was getting nervous and I wanted to be distracted, but it was impossible not to stare at his mouth while he smirked confidently as he spoke.

I wanted to look away but I held the cup of coffee in my hand while I continued to stare at him.

“Your coffee's getting cold.” He said placing his hand on mine, making me blush.

I gave him my opinion of his idea while trying to brush off my shyness.

“So, you want to build a dedicated shooting range to test different levels of ability? I think it’s a good idea to categorize our shooters and provide training for the staff who needs it. Who’s gonna be carrying out the training, you?”

“That’s the idea at first until we select the best shooters and prepare them to train others.”

“We? You want me to participate in this?”

Our hands were still glued together. The coffee was getting colder but his hand over mine was warm, and I felt my face growing hotter.

“You are a good trainer, I can use your skills. What do you say, Miller? Are you up for some team work with me?” He leaned closer to me and my breath stopped for a moment.

“If I help you, what do I get in return?” I took the risk and followed his game.

“Your prize will be fully trained staff and a strong defense to the base. Unless that’s not what you were thinking on getting.” He catched my indirect, but he was pushing me to play harder. 

I removed my hand from his. This was a mistake. He was mocking me for sure.

“Alright. As long as it’s the best for Diamond Dogs then it’s fine by me. I’ll be in my office if you need anything else.” I went back to my usual self and grabbed my crutch to stand up.

He looked disappointed for a moment but then he grinned.

“I’ll walk with you.” He took the crutch from my hand and held me by my waist. This was becoming a routine.

I couldn’t push him away any longer and I wrapped my arm on his back. Even though he was slightly taller than me, I felt him bigger than usual.

We walked in silence until we were alone. He walked me to a baranda where we could see the sea and the sun setting. I felt a little upset when I felt his warm body breaking our strange embrace and I grabbed the cold steel baranda. I forgot I was actually going to my office and we ended up near my room. How convenient.

“It’s getting colder.” I didn’t know what to say so talking about weather always helps.

“Seychelles tropical climate is being unpredictable lately, it shouldn’t be cold but then again the temperature on the sea tends to lower.”

Maybe you can warm me up, I thought and I grinned softly.

“I can keep you warm if you want.” Just as if he had just read my mind, he said with a grin on his face while he joined me on the baranda and leaned. 

“Can the cold Revolver Ocelot warm someone up?” This was supposed to be a taunt, like we always used to. I was waiting for his remark, but...

I wasn’t expecting him to wrap his arms around my neck and kiss me. I wondered what may be going through his head at that moment, as in my head the only thing I wanted was to be with him.

I never thought he could be so tender. I was falling for him and hard.

We were only some steps away from my room. We both knew it. He stopped and pushed me against the wall to kiss me, then he lowered his head and kissed the marks he himself left on my neck.

This was becoming addictive. 

Why was he kissing me again? Did he mean we were a couple? Or was he just doing it because it was the only way he could take me to bed? He was an attractive man, why was he wasting his time with someone like me?

The wet kisses turned into bites that made shiver and I stopped thinking, I only wanted him to fuck me.

That night I felt asleep with my hand slightly touching his arm and I wondered if he would be there when I woke up in the morning.

The next morning he was still on my bed, sleeping on my chest actually, as if I was his pillow. It made me smile and I wondered, why do you stay with me?

We didn’t say anything that morning either. It was a little awkward but I allowed myself to think that there was something going on between us and that we could be something more than just fuck buddies, I couldn’t even label our strange relationship.

I didn’t want to talk about it, so I just played as if this was real, just to know what it would feel like, to have him as a partner. It wasn’t so bad if he didn’t acted as the idiot he is sometimes.

He threw the towel on my head and dried my hair while we remained silent. He was almost all dressed except for his boots and holsters. I was wearing my pants and when he finished with my hair I put on my shirt.

He buttoned my shirt slowly, as if he didn’t want us to get dressed.

“What’s the matter, Ocelot? Missing my body already?”

He stopped.

“Do you wanna be late again?” He smirked and put his hand under my shirt, touching my chest.

I stopped him, before it was too late.

“I can’t be late again, but if you want, we, I mean…”

“Let’s have dinner.”

It was incredible how he could guess what I was thinking, I was starting to suspect he could read my mind.

“8 PM, at my office.” I answered too quick, I hope I didn't sound too needy.

“Roger.” He seemed pleased with my answer and I caught a glimpse of a smile on his face while he turned his back to me while he finished fixing his clothes before leaving my room.

* * *

I couldn’t stop thinking about him all day, even worse was when I realize that we were going to have a _date_. And if I said dinner at my office, I was supposed to have something to eat.

After spending two hours trying to think what I should ask the mess hall team to prepare, I got a message from him saying he was going to bring the food. So, instead of worrying about what to order, I spent my time wondering what would he bring. 

That night I was having a meeting with three of the recruits about a team who would be deployed the next day. Apparently they wanted to have extra manpower and I had been listening to their reasons for almost one hour. I glanced at my watch, it was 8 PM and the men were still discussing. Just when I was about to tell them this discussion was over and that they should deal with what they had, someone knocked at my door. It must be him, I thought.

“This meeting is over. You can take two more men on your team and that’s it. It should be easy enough unless something unexpected happens. As always you can contact me or Ocelot, but I want the order at my desk tomorrow first thing in the morning, understood?” I was getting anxious and I wanted to dismiss them asap before they saw that Ocelot was actually going to have dinner with me here.

Too late, the door opened.

It was indeed him because he entered without waiting for my signal. He was carrying a bag with what I assumed was food, and two bottles of beer.

“Am I missing the party?” He said casually while he placed his stuff on my desk. The recruits glanced at him curiously.

“You heard Commander Miller, meeting's over. I need him for myself, you are dismissed.”

The recruits left without saying anything and I grabbed my temple. I should have known he’d make a remark. 

“Let them talk” He said while he sat at the chair opposite to my desk. 

“I’d rather have them working than talking.”

“They need entertainment, and I’m sure that if they suspect something’s going on between us, they’ll respect you more.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of his comment. “How’s that?”

He took two hamburgers from the bag and opened one bottle of beer. 

“They will see that you have a heart.” He said casually while he handed me a glass of beer. 

“That’s gonna make me look weaker.” I took a sip and I looked at him. He hesitated for a moment, then he smiled to himself.

“No, it’ll make you look _taken_.”

And then I understood. This was just another way of him showing control over me, showing that I was his.

“And taken by whom exactly?” If he wanted to play, then I was in. 

“Isn’t that obvious, Commander?” He drank all the beer from his glass and placed the empty glass on the desk, looking at me.

 

Was he flirting with me?

I lowered my head and stared at the hamburger. Ocelot didn’t particularly like eating this kind of food, he must have brought them for me.

We ate in silence and when we finished he spoke again.

“So, Miller, do you want to be taken?” He placed his hands on the desk and looked at me.

“Is this an interview or is this just your way of flirting with me?”

“It’s me wanting to know what happens between us.” He answered in his usual cool voice.

Do you have to be so straightforward? I thought. He was cornering me with his words and would made me admit my feelings for him. I couldn’t speak, if I confessed my love for him I was afraid he’d either laugh at me, reject me or… no way he could… no way…

He raised from his seat and walked to my place. 

“I overheard a conversation between you and Big Boss the other day.”

“When? What did you hear?” I stood up abruptly and grabbed my crutch. Did I say something wrong about him? What did he hear?

He grabbed my crutch and placed it far from me. Then he grabbed my waist with his left hand and my chin with his right hand.

“Answer me this. Am I that _someone_ you like?”

So he was talking about _that_  day, when I rejected Snake. I felt my heart beating faster. There was no turning back. 

“That’s… Did you hear that part? I didn’t mean..”

“Yes or no?”

“It’s complicated.”

It's complicated because I love you.

“So, you like me.” He knew me too well, or maybe it was too obvious for me to hide it any longer.

I gently removed his hand from my chin but I let him keep his other hand on my waist.

“Let me be clear. I enjoy this _thing_ we have but I…. I’m starting to have feelings for you and I think it’s best if we end this. I don’t want to be a fool for you.”

That’s it Ocelot, you want the truth, here’s the truth.

Except for the ' _starting_ ' part. I had been feeling things for him for a long time.

He released me and I leaned on the desk. He didn’t like the truth, that’s alright, better now than never… but I was already too into him, it was not going to be easy to forget him.

“I never thought you were a fool, Kazuhira. Look at yourself, you are Big Boss’s top advisor, you command Diamond Dogs and you even survived a 10 day torture… No, I don’t think you are a fool. That's exactly what I like about you.” He was being serious about this and made me shiver.

“Then what is this? What do we have? You told me you didn’t want to kiss me and that’s what you’ve been doing. Didn’t you say that for you only couples kissed?”

“Maybe that’s what I want us to be.” He crossed his arms around his chest and looked into my eyes. He seemed insecure, clearly love was not his area of expertise.

He wanted us to be partners? Nice way to put it, I thought. He’d fuck me even if he knew I had a relationship with Snake? But it seems kisses did have a meaning for him.

I never knew you could be so romantic, Ocelot.

“Wait. You are asking me out?”

I saw his face going red like never before.

“I understand if you say no.” He shifted his weight to his right leg while he looked at the floor.

This wasn’t something you see everyday. Revolver ‘ _Shalashashka_ ’ Ocelot, Interrogator Specialist, being nervous and blushing while he waited for his ‘ _let’s date_ ’ proposal be accepted… And by no other than me, that was the craziest things of all, that he would choose me...

“I haven’t said anything yet.” I replied and looked at the floor. Was this really happening? This is what I wanted but I was afraid this wouldn’t end up well.

But I had nothing else to lose.

 

Well, maybe my heart.

 

He stood there looking at me and feeling rather uneasy. Would he give up?

“I can’t promise you flowers and chocolates though, you know how the commander gets when it comes to GMP. But I can give you other things...” He grinned.

“But I thought you were in love with…” I said softly. Maybe I thought that if I said it low he wouldn’t remember that he loved Snake and wouldn’t leave me. I feared his proposal would be either a prank or he’d regret this, remembering that he loved Snake.

Now that I think about it, I rejected Snake. Technically he had free way.. But… tell me Ocelot, why would you choose me over Snake? I don’t understand.  
I wished I could tell him all the things that went through my head. But maybe he already knew them.

“That was a long time ago… Until I had the displeasure of meeting you.” He smirked and stepped forward.

I didn’t mind that remark, it actually made me grin. “Likewise.”

Before I realized it I was grabbing his shirt and pulling him closer to me.

“Ocelot, I suppose we can be…I mean.... If you want, we can be… partners.”

“Don’t be too cold Miller. We are lovers, aren’t we?”

‘ _Lovers_ ’

He had to say it so casually, so charming.

That word seemed so foreign to me. After all my poor attempts at having a relationship in the past with both women and… Snake. It was strange to hear that word from the lips of the man I least expected to love.

“Yeah.” I answered as I felt my face growing hot.

 

After that embarrasing moment we started talking about our things again, just like old times. Without attacking each other and just with the right amount of tease, after all that was what made things fun, how we were always trying to get the upper hand from one another, though he'd win most of the times. 

That night we ended up in my room, as usual, but something definitely changed.

Was I prepared for it? I didn’t know but I decided to stop looking at the past, and start living the present.


End file.
